Booish

Unrelated randoms

This post is going to be completely random and all over the place.... hey, I'm in holiday mode.  It's practically the law to be all over the place.

• I'm back up to 109kgs thanks to all the mammoth eating in the last few days.

• As a result, I'll be getting a fill this afternoon at 3pm.

• I am meeting Shaggs next week for pork bunny goodness and, literally, can't wait.  What a great girl!

• I had a discussion with my nutritionist last week that didn't quite go to plan.  Me: I just want to eat meat, all the time.  Her: Well, you need to add vegetables and fruit in.  Here's what I want you to do.  I'm going to challenge you to eat at least two more types of vegetables.  Me: Ok.  And I want to challenge you to eat more meat.  Her: This is not a game.

• I got a new iPhone!  And I loves it.  I loves it so much I'm prepared to resort to the grammar of a 15 year by using the phrase 'I loves it'.

• I am determined to get to 80kgs by the time I fly out to Fiji.  My aim is to be able to sit in the airplane seat without having to touch the sides.

Failing.

Badly.

It's Chuffy's birthday and there's food everywhere.

Failing.

Badly.

Have put on 600 grams since Monday.

It's Friday. And I'm sick.

I got up this morning with a horribly sore throat, runny nose and weepy eyes.  Which means - yay - no work today, but it also means I just feel like sh*t.

So while the week started really well with the food, it's not ending well.  My problem is that I have discovered that chocolate goes down oh so easily.  So I've been eating alot of it.

Which means that initial whoosh that I had earlier in the week, has ended up being about a 600g loss so far.  I eat good meals at breakfast and lunch, but cave when I get home.  It doesn't help that my parents are here from Europe and my dad loves chocolate.  So there's always plenty of it around.

I was talking to B the other night about how, even though I am eating badly sometimes, my attitude towards food is changing.  In previous diets, I would be super strict on myself.  Which meant I often lost around 2kg a week.  Great result but it never lasted.  Because I was so strict - maybe too strict - when I did fall off the band wagon, I fell heavily.

This time around, my attitude is alot more relaxed.  I have faith in Felix.  And faith in myself.  I am content with the scales showing movement.  If it's 2kg - great.  If it's only 200g - that's not so great, but I don't go into a deep depression about it and reach for the Tim Tams.  It's a nice place to be.

For the first time, I know I'm going to get there.  That makes me happy.

Felix and I had our first fight!

And by fight, I mean I that I ate too much, Felix got in a huff and I threw up my breakfast.

I was eating my breakfast this morning - two Vita wheats with cream cheese and a cup of coffee.  Not the breakfast of champions, but delicious nonetheless.

I got that familiar full feeling I've had over the last couple of days.  Feeling uncomfortably full.  But this time, it wouldn't go away.  Even a glass of water didn't help ease the problem.  I didn't get the saliva that you guys get but, after about two minutes of immense pressure and pain in my chest, I start to think 'Could this be it?  Am I about to have my first PB?'

I tried to fight it for another few minutes.  Walked around the house.  Tried to sip more water.  But it wasn't going to happen.

I leant over the couch just for some relief and - peowwwwww - out came the coffee.  Thankfully, I was standing over my plate so it managed to catch everything.

I still wasn't feeling great.  Five minutes later, a small amount of my Vita Wheat and some slime came out.

Isn't it weird how the food just comes flying out.  It's not like a vomit where you know it's coming.  Nor does it hurt coming out.  It just explodes forth.

Now, I'm ok and somewhat chastened by the experience.  Am sipping some warm water and all is going down well.  I guess the real test will be when I have solid food.  I'm thinking that I might have liquids today and try some mushies tonight, just to be on the safe side.

Confession time: I have been overeating the last couple of days.  Eating until beyond uncomfortably full.  It's certainly been mindless eating and not even eating things that I like.  Last night, I even ate three chocolate cookies.

I lost 800 grams earlier in the week but have managed to put 400g back on.  Some of that is water weight due to my monthly cycle (I tend to retain water around ovulation time).  Some of that is pure over-eating and not exercising enough.

I didn't get Felix so that I could deny myself the pleasures of good food.  But the event this morning has certainly taught me that Felix deserves some respect, goddamit.  He can do his job but I don't do mine, then it will be me who bears the brunt.

So I need to stop the over-eating, go back to the three small meals a day and chew, chew, chew. Lesson learned, Felix.

I'm struggling

Urrrgh, I'm struggling.

Still no movement on the scales.  They seem welded to 109.4kg. 

And I'm eating more.  Last night, I demolished a pile of little chocolate chips.  This morning, it was toasted cheese and some sweet and sour pork for lunch.

Felix is putting up a mighty effort, but my brain is beating him every time.

I won't lie when I say that I'm scared.  Scared that I am going to sabotage Felix in the worst possible way.  That I am going to be that small percentage for whom this doesn't work.

I have an appointment with my surgeon next week.  I'm suspecting I will get my first fill then.  Perhaps then I will get some restriction and this won't all seem so hard.

Tell me, wise ladies, did this happen to you between your surgery and the first fill?  Did you struggle?  Did your weight loss slow and/or stop?  I need to hear from the wiser ones rather than listening to my own stupid head that is telling me that chocolate chips are a really super idea!

PS. On the plus side, I've started walking more.  I usually walk to Parliament Station here in Melbourne to catch my train home.  I've now started walking to Flinders Street Station (at least fifteen minutes walk from my office).  So I'm now getting an additional walk.  It's not much but it's a start.

'Tis the hump day

So not alot is happening in the land of Boo.

Work is work.  The friend I mentioned in a previous post has now basically declared a silent war on everything Jane.  He's no longer speaking to me at all, and is getting very shitty if I even walk past him. 

I'm no longer hurt as I realise that he's playing a game of trying to psych me out.  It's clear he doesn't want me to get the job.  So he's thrown his weight behind another applicant.  I sense he is annoyed that a) I've applied and b) I'll get to interview stage. 

I had a chat with a Group Manager today who told me that, when she applied for the Group Manager role four years ago, she lost a friend who was jealous / angry etc.  Which made me feel better about the whole thing as I'm now realising that this situation is not unique to me.  It's not anything I've done, other than be competent at my job.

Weight wise, I am still losing, but I am relying more and more on will power rather than Felix.  While I'm doing ok, my reserves of willpower are being depleted.  I reverted to a bad habit last night (I had five tablespoons of icing sugar - there I said it, isn't that hideously disfunctional?) which has scared me a little as I never want to get back to being the person I was at 123kg.  I was hiding food in my handbag. I would wait until B took the dogs out for a walk and then gorge myself until I heard him come home. Heck, I would even get up an hour earlier so I could eat a pizza before work.

But, unlike previous indiscretions, where I would just chuck the diet and go straight back to eating badly, I got up this morning, packed my lunch and am back on track.  I'm starting to realise that Felix can take care of my physical cravings, but that it's 100% Jane when it comes to the mental.

So I set myself up for success today.  Oats for breakfast with honey for taste.  A Weight Watchers carrot cake slice for morning tea (a tiny little morsel of goodness), Vita Wheats with cream cheese for lunch, and another carrot cake slice for afternoon tea.  I'm craving hash browns so I suspect I'll have those for dinner.

My aim is to be under 105kg by the time my parents arrive from Europe in four weeks (my parents retired to France in February but are coming out to do tax returns and to see Chuffy and Boo).  My mother is like many mothers - hyper critical of my weight.  When she last saw me, I was around 115kg.  To be 10kg lighter when she gets here will give her nothing to whinge about.  Which will please me, and just about destroy her.

A special note to Nola!

Just because Nola was harassing me about it....

MY DRESSINGS ARE OFF!

Everything seems to be healing well.  I don't have any more pain around the wound sites, although I am morbidly fascinated with my lumpy scar tissue.

In other news, I am a very bad person.  I had a mushie meal yesterday - nearly two days before I am due to start mushies.  The boys were having KFC for dinner (once a week, they share a box of popcorn chicken), so I got them to buy me potatoe and gravy.

I'm not exaggerating when I say it was the best meal of my life.  It took me 20 minutes to finish, only because I was trying to extend the time and taking tiny bites.  Every mouthful was like a party in my mouth.

Back to work on Monday.....

I can't believe my little 'holiday' is over.  It's back to work on Monday.  

I received the news yesterday that my Group Manager is leaving, which means a position has opened up at our Group Manager level.  I am expected to apply, and I will, but the whole situation is making me feel queasy (and it has nothing to do with Felix).

I desperately want the job, and I've worked 60 hour weeks for the last year in order to build up a portfolio of achievements and a proven track record in order to get the job.  Now that I am so close to it, I have a serious case of jitters.  And if I don't get it, I will be bitterly disappointed that the last year's efforts have been for naught.

The logical part of my brain says 'Just go for it.  You've done the best you can.  You couldn't have done more'.  My heart though is like a Johnny Cash Freight Train.  Let's see what happens, hey?

In Felix news, I don't know if I have restriction or not, but I'm sticking with my two Optifast a day plus a cup of soup and a cup of coffee in the evening.  And I'm managing to get 2 litres of water down as well.

Yesterday, it was a friend's birthday and she didn't have any plans, we B and I took her out for lunch at the local pub.  B had a mouth watering souvlaki with wedges, while my friend 'C' had lasagne.  Poor little me had Cream of Mushroom Soup, which more resembled Cream of Dishwater Soup.

But I did indulge.  I had a scoop of icecream from the dessert menu.  I carefully masticated each mouthful into liquid before swallowing it down.  The whole time, I was thinking 'Make sure, before it goes down, you could suck it up through a straw'.  It took me 25 minutes to eat one scoop but, boy howdy, after that soup, it was like heaven.

Nola keeps on encouraging me to rip off my dressings.  All I can say, in response, is 'Nuh-uh'.  Actually, one dressing has completely come up, leaving a cute little puncture mark in my belly.  The others are staying.  My port site wound still feels very sore, whilst the others are only marginally sore.  I'm going to stick being a Scooby Doo and leave them on for a while.

I think that's it. Oh no, wait. I got my haircut on Thursday.  I was going to use the haircut as a reward when I got to 100kg, but the split ends were looking hideous.  So now I have healthy hair, and a new colour (dark brown with caramel highlights) through it.  It's alot warmer than my usual colour (black) and makes me look alot healthier.

Now, I think that's it.  Hope everyone is doing well!